The Kozzok Files are short stories written to explore the peculiarities of the human species in an absurd but entertaining way. Today’s Study – Do Religious Monks Have Wet Dreams?
The Kozzok Files are designed to explore the peculiarities of the human species in an absurd yet entertaining way, through the eyes of a clueless alien crew sent to study humans on Earth.
Today we’ll be answering the question absurd question…
Do Religious Monks Have Wet Dreams?
Previous Kozzok Files:
The Kozzok Files: Report 001 – The Mating Ritual
The massive Kozzok ship VanaX drifted above the blue planet, scanning for a human subject worth their attention. General Krex, irritated with the data they’d gathered on this centurion’s visit to Earth, locked the scanner onto a stone fortress.
“A military installation should finally give us something useful,” he growled.
“The humans call this St. John’s Monastery, General,” Lork said nervously, his silver skin rippling like liquid mercury. “It’s a religious site, not military.”
The General rotated his visual sacs toward the juvenile Lork, weighing whether to discipline him for insolence or commend him for the courage to speak truth in front of command.
Lork was on his third centurion to Earth, two more than Dr. Okrob, yet still regarded as the baby of the crew, due to his age. Molded only twenty-four universal cycles ago, a mere five hundred and four Earth years. Barely enough time to outgrow adolescence for most Kozzok.
But Lork was unusually intelligent, surpassing top Kozzok mathematicians in every field of study by the time his second universal cycle was complete, once thought to be an impossible achievement.
Krex was still staring holes through Lork but decided to let this moment pass without acknowledgement. He asked:
“Why do humans insist on constructing every building to resemble a fortress?”
“Where are all the females?”
“Why are they all wearing robes and shave themselves?”
“Is this a mating strategy?”
Lork began answering immediately, before hearing the final three questions, “humans appear to equate permanence with power, sir. Walls, towers, battlements, they are less about defense and more about signaling dominance, even when there is nothing to defend against.”
In response to the general’s question, the ship’s artificial intelligence instantly displayed a field note.
As well as being fortified, humans often built monastic buildings over spectacular vistas in remote and inaccessible places. According to past centurion missions, monasteries once held vast amounts of treasure, it was also where humans would retreat when enemy armies were nearby.
END FIELD NOTE.
Swiping away the field note, Lork began relaying the information from Vanax’s AI.
“Humans often built monastic buildings over spectacular vistas in remote and inaccessible places…”
Krex regarded the young Kozzok, not a hint of skin deformation from anxiety as he answered, a flicker of reluctant respect in his visual sacs. “Perhaps Lork,” he murmured, “you are less the infant we feared, and more the anomaly we hoped for.”
Thank you, sir, Lork responded, obvious pride causing his skin to ripple like a surface of a pond.
Feeling confident, Lork continued, “…the monasteries once held vast amounts of treasure general, it was also where humans would retreat when enemy armies were nearby” Lork answered.
“You don’t say,” Krex replied sarcastically.
“Yes sir”
“Then it’s a damn fort Lork. The next time you correct me, make sure your information is accurate”
“I’m sorry sir,” Lork said as he lowered his head.
“Yes, yes, you most certainly are” Krex snapped back. “Rather disappointing”
Lork wanted nothing more than to crawl inside of the monitor and disappear.
Attempting to rescue Lork, Dr. Okrob finally speaks,
“As for your inquiry into the mating aspect of their appearance.
That’s a negative sir.
Quite the opposite actually.
Historical observation records have indicated the subjects living in the monasteries are all males who call themselves monks. These humans have chosen to voluntarily end their bloodlines through celibacy.”
“What? Intentionally end their bloodlines through celibacy? Lork was absolutely horrified by this new revelation
“Sounds like the Blurrak tribe of Sarn 9 voluntarily removing their own tongues so they can spend a lifetime silently contemplating soup recipes.
“I remember them,” Krex says before adding, “The Blurrak starve with tremendous discipline.”
Okrob half laughed, “the strange part is, humans have bodies that continue to rebel during sleep.”
“Fascinating,” Krex replied with a curiosity rarely shown during human study sessions.
“If you ask me, celibacy seems comparable to a starship captain ordering the engines never to ignite, then bragging about how far they’ve traveled.”
A field note popped up on screen…
Historical documentation: Paul Rodney Turner, former Hare Krishna monk, writes that during his 14 years as a celibate monk, he would sometimes go six months without a wet dream. But other times, his body resorted to nocturnal emissions quite frequently. He describes it as something monks hated to experience, feeling like a failure, though biologically the body was just relieving built-up “pressure.”
END FIELD NOTE.
General Krex closed the note.
The live feed resumed on the ships monitor, a human male stirred anxiously while asleep in his bed. The man lets out an audible moan, as the crew of the Vanax shared knowing glances as they watched intently.
“Did you hear that Doctor?”
“Yes, I did” he answered.
“Fascinating,” repeated the general.
The subject awoke with a frightful expression on his face, shaking his head, “not again, not again, please not again”
Frantically pushing and kicking the sheets away from his body now, revealing glistening fluids soaking into his otherwise pristine bedding.
“No, no, no, no…”
He leapt upright, clutching and snatching at the fabric as if it had personally insulted him.
“He’s very upset,” Lork directed the comment at Dr. Okrob.
Nurse Retrex tilted her head, her visual sacs pulsing. “This… subject… seems frightened of his own reproductive fluid, doesn’t he doctor?”
“No doubt about it nurse, it appears his programming has taught him to be fearful and disgusted by his own bodily fluids” the doctor replied quickly.
“Such a shame,” she replies.
Still watching the human clean himself,
“No, it’s absolutely fascinating how humans can be molded into whatever their authority figures want them to be. It’s as if there are endless varieties of human to choose from, and it all seems to depend on the programming they were subjected to while young,” says Krex.
Before adding, “This unique species has invented a form of guilt to cover fluids their bodies naturally produce.”
His visual sacs twitched faintly, the Kozzok equivalent of a chuckle.
Lork recoiled. “They aren’t fighting a war against their own glands, are they?”
“Yes,” Dr. Okrob said. “Historical records suggest early humans believed malevolent spirits caused this. Others blamed moral weakness. Either way, shame is applied retroactively, even in unconsciousness.
“Observation: incense may serve dual purpose, psychological deterrent against unconscious emissions and chemical masking of fluids. Historical precedent: Abbot Guibert of Nogent (c. 10th–12th century) documented monks burning herbs in dormitories to reduce nocturnal disturbances; modern parallels include scented oils and wellness sprays.”
END FIELD NOTE.
After reading the AI’s note, Nurse Retrex closed it, before pointing a long shimmering finger at the praying man on live feed,
“Notice, the subject’s eyelids twitch in morse-like patterns. Preliminary decoding suggests panic, confusion, and possibly an apology to invisible authorities. We may be witnessing a secret neural ritual.”
Lork mumbled under his breath, skin still quivering, “The more I learn of the authority figures on Earth, the more absurd they become.”
“They insist on inventing elaborate ways to punish themselves.” Krex openly laughing now.
They once used incense to reduce the frequency of late night “accidents” but the new generation of humans have created abstinence applications and internet forums in an attempt to control a natural biological function,” laughter continuing as the general yells excitedly,
“We must track odds.”
Lork hurriedly began calculations, “General, probability of emission tonight: 38 percent. Odds of self-scrubbing exceeding five minutes once emission occurs: 92 percent. Bonus multiplier if the subject simultaneously prays to a cloud deity.”
Krex tapped his visual sac. “Accepted. Record all fluctuations in limb oscillation, auditory mutterings, and sheet displacement.” Laughing again, “This is fieldwork of the highest absurdity.”
Retrex added dryly, “And don’t forget the demons.”
“Observe,” Retrex said, pointing. The monk knelt in prayer, whispering inaudible verses while scrubbing furiously. “He calls this… sin. And reports it to invisible authorities for auditing.”
Nurse Retrex tilted her head. “Remarkable. Imagine treating ones own bodily fluids as a threat. But historical archives indicate this behavior is centuries old.”
Lork’s limbs shivered. “Centuries? “
Dr. Okrob nodded. “Consider Augustine of Hippo, 4th–5th century CE. Erotic dreams caused self-reproach; involuntary emissions were framed as evidence of lingering ‘concupiscence.’”
Lork’s reflective skin rippled. “Concup… what?”
“Desire,” Retrex explained. “Humans blamed their unconscious biology on spiritual failings. Fascinatingly inefficient.”
“Demons of desire?” asked Lork.
A field note once again popped up on screen.
Demons come in many styles depending on the culture they were tormenting. The above image is an example of a modern demon.
There were also demons specifically for nocturnal emissions. These would be considered the Incubus and Succubus.
An Incubus was/is a male demon that assaulted women in their sleep.
A succubus was/is a female demon that seduces men, often blamed for wet dreams or sexual temptation at night.
Theologians argued nocturnal emissions were caused by succubi, sometimes believed to collect semen for making more demons.
END FIELD NOTE.
Lork read over the field note before closing it out and saying,
“Always with the demons, you know demons remind me of the threadneedler on Uranus”
Dr. Orbox was quick to answer, “Similar, however, the threadneedler actually burrows into the brain, controlling the body through neural impulses, demons apparently achieve their control through invisible means, called miracles, magic or as humans refer to it, demonic possession”
“Ridiculous,” Nurse Retrex replied.
“Awful.” Lork whispered under his breath.
Krex laughed. “That depends entirely on whether you’re in authority or not. It forces humans to follow the rules or face a demon. It’s an ingenious control mechanism.”
“Every stain becomes a confession, and every confession strengthens the institution. You’re correct, ingenious but horrifying,” Lork muttered.
Dr. Okrob nodded. “Recurring theme. Every century, new rituals punish humans for what they cannot control. Even their unconsciousness is taxed.”
“Do they… enjoy this?” Lork asked, lower limbs twitching.
“Unknown,” Retrex replied. “We suspect guilt functions as recreational suffering.”
Krex leaned back. “Biology always wins. Humans will never admit it. Instead, they scrub evidence, whisper to invisible auditors, and call it devotion. Wait until you see them debate whether the invisible authority is a demon or a cloud deity. Always thrilling.”
The crew watched the screen as the monk finally replaced his sheets and slid back into a freshly laundered bed. Muttering prayers, he closed his eyes and drifted into a dreamless sleep, an immense sense of gratifying relief on his face.
As General Krex watched the young monk sleep, he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as he wondered if humans have nightmares about someone auditing their dirty laundry.
The VanaX silently drifted above the planet, carrying a crew oscillating between horror and fascination, a few still suppressing laughter.
This is only the second Kozzok files and I’m still trying to figure out the best way to present it. If you have any suggestions as how to improve it, I’m all ears.
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